Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Bust a nut

The pistachio industry in the U.S. hit some hard times after a huge recall earlier this year when some shipments were tainted with salmonella bacteria. The recall was big news, and bad for business; to stage a comeback, pistachios had to have a radical image makeover: from killer to cool.

Enter Levi "Baby Daddy" Johnston, the kid from Alaska who knocked up Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol, and who is the father of her now ten-month-old child.



Yes, you too can become a paid celebrity nut-buster if you just go out and impregnate an underage girl (which Bristol was, at the time that Levi busted his nut with her). Of course, it helps if the underage girl is the daughter of a right-wing lunatic mayor of a one-horse town intersection who resigns from her first term as governor but thinks this will qualify her to become the President of Amurka. And if "Every Sperm Is Sacred" is the family song. And if, on your own MySpace page, you once wrote:

"I’m a fuckin’ redneck who likes to snowboard and ride dirt bikes, but I live to play hockey. I like to go camping and hang out with the boys, do some fishing, shoot some shit and just fuckin’ chillin’ I guess. Ya fuck with me I’ll kick your a$$."
Because then you can walk away from the baby you daddied and go on to bust your nut on TV with a clever slogan, "Levi Johnston now does it with protection."

Levi
, as in button fly;

Johnston, as in one letter removed from a synonym for schlong;

protection
, as in condom.

LOLOMGROFLMAO - who thinks of these clever things, anyway?

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