Thanksgiving safety tips for 2009

.

Having survived another Thanksgiving dinner hosting experience, WB has a couple of useful tips for anyone planning to do the same next year.

First, forget about the Detroit Lions. They suck, they reek, they lose, yet they keep everyone's eyes in the house riveted to the TV screen while a guest's two-year-old sneaks up, unseen, next to the cook who has the oven door opened to baste the nearly-done $40 turkey.

Second, do not give Koosh balls to two-year-olds. A Koosh ball is made of rubber, and it will ignite into toxic flames after a toddler silently and stealthily throws it into an open oven.

Avoid these.

Third, when someone notices that the two-year-old no longer has the Koosh ball and that acrid gray smoke is billowing from the oven, this is not the time for calm, polite speculation over whether the two events might be related.

Fourth, after extracting the flaming toxic Koosh from the oven with metal tongs, remember to always proceed calmly behind other people to deposit the fireball into the sink. It's generally considered bad form to fling molten burning plastic toward the sink in front of a spouse or relatives.

Fifth, after noting that the oven is still on fire even after the burning Koosh has been removed, be sure to always use a kitchen fire extinguisher, preferably filled with sodium bicarbonate, otherwise known as good old edible baking soda. It's not a good idea to use an extinguisher containing mono-ammonium phosphate, because this will cover everything — starting with the $40 turkey — with a coating of pungent yellow powder. And although the flames will be extinguished, the entire house will now be filled with a potpourri of burning rubber and ammonia, making it essentially impossible to breathe. Except for the oblivious people in the other room inflicting the Lions' national humiliation upon themselves.

When the house is finally safe for re-entry, vacuum the oven, wash the turkey, remove the burnt Koosh from the garbage disposal before forgetting it's in there, and do not expect guests to leave the pathetic football game to offer any assistance with the cleanup.

But do keep a very close eye on the two-year-old.