Wednesday, March 25, 2009

What not to wear, how not to sit

Dear Sir:

We think it's great that you went on the Tonight Show in your new role, boosting Jay's ratings and not just kicking him to the curb after using his show as a campaign stump while you were only one candidate of many touring the country. And to be honest, we didn't even catch the part where you added "like the Special Olympics or something" after announcing your low bowling score.

But Sir, we really have to talk about a couple of things.

First: You're a dude, Dude. If you cross your legs, don't do it like a Catholic schoolgirl in a skirt who's preserving her modesty. Your right ankle goes across the left knee; the knees themselves shouldn't touch. Or, you could leave them uncrossed — although not spread so far apart, in the notorious wide-open-spaces "cowboy W" style, that other men think you're out to prove something and women think you're a Neanderthal idiot.

And then, Sir, buy the suit pants tailored to at least two inches below the top of the shoe, not right at it. Hell, go for three — especially when you know there's a full-frontal TV appearance coming up. Note how Jay, for all we know, could be wearing polka-dot Bermudas with a pair of orange Crocs behind the desk; he has the desk's protection. You, Sir, don't. If the pantlegs end too soon near the shoe while you're standing, they're gonna ride up to Capri height when you're seated.

Finally, Sir, please include some leg presses and calf raises in your morning exercise routine. Those pencils with shoes at the ends are unbefitting someone of your stature and position — and the knee-high black socks definitely need to be retired with extreme urgency. The POTUS simply cannot look like Steve Urkel; it's a matter of national integrity.

We understand that, with America's economy in the shitter, you can't be seen dropping several thousand dollars a pop on custom-tailored Italian suitpants designed to drape elegantly and manfully around your lower legs. But surely someone on the staff can grab a copy of one of Joe Wieder's muscle magazines for you, along with the latest issues of GQ and Esquire. Sir, your country is calling on you to do the right thing. Next time we see you sitting out front on TV, can we count on your support?


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