Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Heroes: The sound of one train derailing.


We've written about NBC's Heroes before — in fact, most recently just a couple of days ago. We've assigned the show as a required course text. And it's clear where Litchik stands on wanting the show to succeed. But after Monday night's "Eclipse Part Two" episode, a little glimpse into 78rpm's attention-deficit viewing brain might present an alternate point of view, and a change of heart.

Noah (HRG — what does that stand for again?) is spying on Sylar and what's-her-name through a window. Then he takes a shot, and misses. Then he goes inside and fights with Sylar. "You are not their son," Noah/HRG/whatever tells him, referring to the Petrelli couple from hell, Angela and, um... Robert Forster. Then he cuts Sylar's throat with a knife and Sylar is D-E-A-D dead.

Sylar was just a lonely guy and then he became an arch-villain and then he was revealed as a Petrelli love child and then he became a good guy and then he was Noah/HRM's friend and partner and then he switched back to evil but not really and now he's not a Petrelli and HR Pufnstuf hates him. And he is dead but is he dead for real or just dead for a couple of minutes until the writers find a way to cure the death?

It turns out, of course, that a little while later Sylar is right back at it, the death having been a minor inconvenience (oh yeah, and the invincible cheerleader is dead too, except she isn't) telling what's-her-name that he's not a good guy after all, he's a villain, and then he slices her forehead off, but this is after Hiro the Stand-Up Comic regresses to a ten-year-old after Robert Forster drains his brain, but then Seth Green says there's nothing that can be done, oh wait, yes there is, rumors exist of a secret tenth comic book that will tell the secret of a bicycle messenger, and then Hiro isn't a ten-year-old anymore and he time-travels to the room where Sylar is and touches him and says "Bad man" and Sylar disappears and Hiro blinks like Samantha in Bewitched at what's-her-name or maybe he taps her on the shoulder and she disappears too.

Should I try to sort this out, should I just roll with it, where the hell did Seth Green come from, is Robot Chicken going to show up next? And if he knows of a secret comic then why the hell didn't he just say so the first time? Did any of these writers take a course in basic editing? And see, the Sylar thing was right, not dead, he will never die, no one is ever anything on this show, everyone from Season One will be back before this year ends, with zero explanation, and this is just like that season of Dallas where the wife woke up from a dream and found out that the entire season had been her dream so every plot point was now moot, null, void, meaningless.

Now Sylar and what's-her-name are in the woods or on an island or something. "Who was that?" she asks, meaning Hiro, who she knows by name, and Sylar says "That was Hiro" — or maybe none of this is happening in the show, maybe it's all imagined by a despondent ex-viewer who finds himself laughing at the TV, because this isn't a drama, it's a comedy, and it isn't NBC, it's WTF, and it isn't even a show, it's Dante's eighth circle of hell, and none who enter have any hope of coming out with their patience (or sanity) intact, except for Litchik, who is clearly a better concentrator and a much more loyal fan.


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