Monday, July 28, 2008

Hi, Tech(nology)

The following is an open letter to the rich and/or (in)famous. Think of it as some helpful advice from the WB staff (because surely someone in our reading audience must be rich and/or (in)famous).


Dear Mr./Ms. Celebrityandorpoliticalpublicfigure -

Recently, as you can see in a previous post, Rev. Jesse Jackson made what appears now to be not one but several unfortunate comments regarding Barack Obama. Of course, the remark about removing key components of Senator Obama's genitalia has become the crotch shot heard 'round the world, but now reports have surfaced that the N-word was also uttered during the Faux Snooze segment. The situation has reached such a critical head that Elizabeth Hasselbeck broke down in tears during a discussion with Whoopi Goldberg on The View.



Tears.

Elizabeth.

And yet another installment of Why can't white people use the N-word too?, part 32,671. (Thanks, Jesse and Whoopi.)


The madness must end!

To avoid heart-wrenching tragedies like the one above, we implore all celebrities, politicians, public figures and anyone who speaks in public to heed a few simple technology rules. First, when wearing a microphone, keep your internal censors and filters on. Do not say the first thing that comes to mind, no matter how angry you feel. Those little electronic devices can pick up the sound of a scandal starting, so don't give them any help! There really can't be any more waterworks from Elizabeth Hassleback in the future.

Then there is the issue of cell phones. If you're not paying the bill, you probably shouldn't try to make clandestine deals with, say, rival teams for a position as, say, starting quarterback, because your old team really thought you were retiring (the tears really were convincing, Mr. Favre) and gave your spot to someone else. Cellular devices log all calls, which can easily be looked up by anyone who has access to the bill. Maintaining your status as the patron saint of Wisconsin can be seriously jeopardized if those records are uncovered. And they usually are, especially when we have serious events going on, like a war and a recession. (FYI - hard times usually bring an onslaught of soft news. As important as you think you are, this does mean you.)

Finally, not only are calls logged, but so are text messages. So, Mayor Kilpatrick: using a city phone, presumably meant for city business, is not the best way to take care of your personal matters. Business calls, yes; booty calls, no. As pious as you think you seem, Detroit doesn't need any more tarnishing, and national exposés like the following are richly deserved on your part because you clearly thought you were above the law.



This is a wired world, where every word and action is readily accessible if you utter or type it anywhere within the public sphere. And the line between public and private dissolves a little more every day. So as the general public continues to look for soft-news distractions from rising fuel and food costs and plummeting property values, they'll anxiously await your next misadventure, Mr./Ms. Celebripolipubfig, ready to scrutinize and comment upon every bullet you shoot into your own foot.
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