Monday, June 1, 2009

This year's winner -- and that blond thing grafted to his hip....

Although American Idol alum Adam Lambert has yet to reveal his sexual orientation, he believes speculation about him preferring the same sex may have cost him the win. But according to Simon Cowell, and more importantly, millions of women across the globe, heterosexual marriage isn't that great either.

This year's winner, Kris Allen, got hitched just a few months before auditioning for the show. He immediately showed off his new wife to the cameras and gushed over how much he loved her. He fell under a little criticism when Cowell told him in March that he should have kept his "cute wife under wraps for a few more weeks." Not heeding the advice, AI producers continued showing her in the audience during every performance and giving viewers ridiculously corny home videos to watch.

At first, we thought it was pretty cute that Kris loves his wife enough to show her off (and wear matching aprons on television). So, lost in a world where idols not only sing, but are romantic too, we managed to forget she sounded a little uncaring when she said "I think" before telling an interviewer what month they were married. And we ignored the fact that she had to be with her husband while he tried to do an interview with Ryan Seacrest, and that she talked about as much as Kris did. We even pretended not to notice how Kris couldn't even enjoy the hometown hero spotlight alone since his wife was sitting next to him in a convertible with his name on it during his welcome home parade, waving at his fans.

AI fever has now worn off and we can finally see (okay, maybe we saw it before) that having a wife isn't exactly appealing when the majority of the votes that led to the victory were based on looks, charisma, and a guitar. All we're left with now is an idol whose wife seems to be everywhere and a bunch of women too lost in fantasy to realize they pretty much have no shot with him, but truly believing he'll know how they voted and fall in love with them anyway.

If Kris hadn't already showed (and showed and showed) us his wife, it'd probably be safe to say we'd go back to the time when managers preferred to keep the marriages of celebrities secret so they could appear single to the female fan base. The Beatles' manager, Brian Epstein, made John Lennon keep his marriage to Cynthia Powell a secret in 1962, and it was rumored that many artists from Elvis to Donny Osmond were ordered to keep their marriages quiet as well. Recently, magician Criss Angel's ex-wife, Joanna Sarantakos, claimed he "forced her to keep their marriage a secret as to not turn off his female fans." The Jonas Brothers have gone even further, wearing "purity rings" so they can always pretend to be waiting for the right girl.

We think it's great that Kris Allen was bold (or ignorant) enough to admit to having a wife, and we're glad it didn't keep him from winning. However, while it probably won't hurt record sales, we have a feeling it may keep him from being the newest hunk on the block and most likely prevent him from being a poster on every teenager girl's bedroom wall.

So, Kris, although your marriage has already been revealed and your poster status diminished, we'd like to offer some words of advice to help you stay married, and more importantly for your career, secure your female fans from here on. Always continue to love your wife without telling the entire world, and make sure photos like this don't surface very often, since women will think they might be able to get you if you're willing to flirt with other girls. Keep her away when you're meeting screaming 'tweens, always hug your fans, kiss them on the cheek if need be, and stay grateful for the ones who wish you'd get a divorce, as those will be the ones buying everything your face is plastered on. Don't let her talk at your interviews, verify that she knows when you got married, and politely inform her that the screaming girls are waving at you, not her. And while you're doing all that, tell her not to take it too personally if the fans surrounding your car only wave at her with one finger.

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