Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Joe the Plumber and McCain the Panderer

Barack Obama is going to keep Joe Wurzelbacher from being able to buy a plumbing business. That's what Americans learned from John McCain in the last televised debate on Wednesday night this week. The Republican candidate even turned to the camera to talk directly to "Joe the Plumber" (whose last name he pronounced as "Wurtzelburger") and promise not to raise his taxes. When Obama later mentioned "my friend Warren Buffet," in connection to the idea of investing in economic recovery, the elderly Republican snorted and cackled, "We're talking about Joe the Plumber here."

And there it was. Joe Sixpack, Hockey Moms, and Joe the Plumber — the McCain-Palin base. Even Ronny the Racist and Karl the Klansman seem to be welcome members; when Obama called the Republicans out for not silencing fans who threatened to kill him, McCain said he was "proud of the people who come to our rallies."

Obama talked about his plans for the country, and McCain talked about Obama's plans for the country. Neither man seemed interested in McCain's plans. This was odd, since McCain has said that he knows both how to balance the Federal budget within four years and how to catch Bin Laden in the caves of Pakistan. WB wants details, so how come no one else does?

Obama said that offshore drilling will not fix anything, since the U.S. only has about four percent of the world's oil supplies. McCain said that OPEC producers will lower the price of oil "when they see we've got our own supply." He also said that he would buy oil from Canada, but not from the Middle East or from Venezuela. Obama didn't point out that oil is a commodity traded on the world market: no one gets to designate one producer over another as their preferred dealer.

See, the way the Republicans painted him, Joe the Plumber doesn't care about where his oil comes from. Joe the Plumber doesn't realize that if Senator McCain knew how to catch Bin Laden, Bin Laden would have been caught by now or else McCain would be guilty of treason for keeping his location secret. Joe the Plumber can't see that when McCain chooses to attack Obama rather than defend or explain McCain, it reveals strong weaknesses in what McCain chooses not to say. Joe the Plumber doesn't understand that when McCain says Sarah Palin would come to Washington to "sweep out the old boys' network of cronies," this means that she'd be sweeping McCain himself out in the first wave.

In other words, Joe the Plumber must be a drooling imbecile. It's no accident that he's a plumber, because he's too stupid to know when he's having a crock of shit dumped on his head. He wants to pay no taxes for anything, but he expects the country's infrastucture to be fixed now. This will apparently be a big weekend volunteer project, funded by bake sales, because without tax income no country can fix anything, but you can't explain that to Joe the Plumber because it will upset him and make him be less than the greatest worker the world has ever seen.

So, keep everything simple for Joe the Plumber. Call him "My buddy Joe," as McCain did, but avoid giving him any specific details. He can't handle the truth. But then, when it's time to talk about education, say that it's absolutely, critically imperative that Americans become the best-educated people in the world. And you know what? Joe's too simple to spot anything wrong with that picture, too.

Joe Wurzelbacher, we know you really exist, and we applaud you for creating the first presidential debate in history in which the candidates talked to only one person. Congrats, you're a star, and your fame will last from 10:31 to about 10:46 (even though Sarah Palin has made you part of her stump speech now). But dude, you're famous for being a mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging Neanderthal. Don't you want to say something about that?

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