An Open Letter to Senator McCain

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Dear Senator McCain:

On behalf of someone other than AARP and Republican sycophants, Litchik would like to thank you for your recent smooth moves on the campaign trail. Just when many of us began to feel an actual sense of hope for the future of this country, your campaign reminds all of us cynics at heart that this is simply another "politics as usual" election year.

First there was the oh-so-classy move of leaking news about an alleged TV commercial your campaign was set to release on the night Barack Obama gave his historic speech accepting the presidential nomination from the Democratic party. Supposedly, this commercial took a break from the ugly mudslinging that we have been subjected to, instead offering a "job well done" to Obama for becoming the first African American to win the presidential nomination from the Democratic party. The commercial was set to air before and after the speech. Did you see it? Neither did we. Was WB watching the wrong channel?

Choosing to announce your VP choice on Friday instead of Thursday night was a pleasant surprise — until the actual choice was announced. Sarah Palin, the governor of Alaska, will be second in command should you, Senator McCain, fool more than 50% of the electoral college (we were going to say American voters, but after the 2000 election, we know better) on November 4th. The brilliance of your VP choice, of course, is that none of us out here in "the heartland" have ever heard of her! After making a huge issue over Barack Obama's experience level, you opted for a running mate with even less experience. Yes, her service on the Parent-Teacher Association was tough, but will it prepare Palin for delicate foreign policy matters — even if Faux Snooze tried to get away with saying that because Alaska is near Russia, she's already prepared?

(As for the fact that Governor Palin was originally a strong supporter of the "Bridge to Nowhere" in Alaska that she's currently being praised for rejecting, well, we won't tell anyone about this little flip-flop problem if you don't. And we won't say anything about her state keeping the quarter-billion dollars for the bridge even after she bid it a resolute "Hasta la vista, baby.")

(Oops—wrong governor!)

Of course, you probably thought she would add a heavy dash of conservative flavor to the mix. Like a good conservative girl, she opposes gay marriage, so that will be a big plus with the the Christian coalition voters, right? Even if she did provide partner benefits to state employees, shirking the party line by actually treating the LGBT community with a little respect? But at least she is pro-life and that means she is all about family values — except, well, good luck explaining away her 17 year old daughter's pregnancy. WHOOPS! So much for the governor's support for abstinence-only sex education, huh? Good thing young Bristol has decided, all on her own, to keep the baby, marry the father and start her family before her SAT scores are even in.

But really, Senator McCain, let's cut to the chase: did you honestly think any ol' set of fallopian tubes could replace another? In this shameless and totally transparent attempt to woo Hillary Clinton voters, you goofed, and bigtime. Hillary supporters were looking for experience, a change, and someone who could deliver on key issues for them. More importantly, they were looking for someone who would not only listen to them, but take them seriously. And it looks like you have disappointed on all fronts. Equating Palin with Clinton is like finding a bevy of similarities between Jesus and Satan simply because they both appear in the Bible.

On the upside to all of this, we're sure that you can now expect a lot of air time on Saturday Night Live. WB eagerly awaits the return of Tina Fey, who will surely guest star often this season to deliver a spot-on impersonation of Palin! For this, we truly do thank you!